When you finally reach that mountain, the one that is said to be your halfway point in life, known as your mid- forties, you start to evaluate everything around you. In doing so, your circle of friends tends to shrink, substantially. Quite often, all that remains is a core set of friends you have acquired thanks to the fact that your children play organized sports.
These women can fast become your closest allies, your backup transport, and if you're really lucky, decent wine-drinking companions. These women with whom you share common interests, complaints, and sometimes a warm blanket (because, ice hockey) are fast and loyal friends.
It's easy, breezy and to put it plain and simple, it just works. Let's face it, no one wants to be friend- shopping at this stage of the game. You’re pretty much set in your ways, and not really looking for someone to go to the mall with you, or tell you look cute in that top. When finding friends in your forties, you’re looking for simple. So, choose wisely. Oh, and choose friends whose marriages are still intact.
That’s right. Married friends make the best friends, when you’re still married. When you’ve been married as long as my husband and I have, (20 years) you realize that there is a certain circle of friends that you’re better off not having in your life: the divorced ones. Oh yes, your friends who are divorcing or have divorced are no good for you. I’ve never actually been exposed to the plague, but I’m pretty sure divorced people are a close equivalent. If you are recently divorced, you and I just can’t be friends. Here are five reasons why:
1. Custody arguments that only take place via cell phone, shortly after the first glass of wine is poured. That moment when you’re just about to embark on a tirade about that ridiculous post you saw on Facebook, their phone rings. It quickly becomes a situation of smiling and waiting politely, as the wine gets warm and the cheese gets hard.
2. The precise moment that you decide to commiserate, and openly share your disdain for the exiting spouse, will be the same moment said spouse returns to their life, with nothing but side eye, because she told him everything that you said and suddenly you're the bad guy in this whole mess. Just remember, if your friend decides to get rid of their couch, no matter how much you hated that damn couch, don't tell them, because someday that couch will be right back in their living room, and it will know everything you said.
3. Your friends who have ditched their spouse, or have been ditched, like to talk about all the new sex they are having. Well of course, they're having sex, they're not married anymore. And of course they're having sex with that guy they just met, because, it's new and exciting, and they’re not married anymore. These same friends will want to engage you in a little game called, 'When was the last time you had sex', because they already know their answer, and if they are calculating correctly, it was probably five minutes ago. Whatever.
4. Weekends off. Seriously? You have weekends off from your kids? What kind of bullshit is that? Full time, still married parents, do not want to hear how weird and quiet your house is without the kids. We just don’t.
5. Air Jordans. At some point, the ex-wife or ex-husband in a situation, will buy some really expensive sneakers for the child/children involved in said divorce. That's great, until that kid comes to school, and shows my kid. Then, my kid will come home and ask my husband and I, why we aren’t divorced.
I think the lesson here is simple: divorced couples and married couples can never be friends. And, it’s not just because we’re jealous of all the sex that you’re having.