You know how things in our imagination are so much nicer than reality?
The painted picture always more bright and cheery than the pencil drawing.
What I'm trying to say is, back when I decided to become a stay at home mom, my vision never quite matched the reality.
When one decides to become a stay at home mom, rarely is it a conversation over a pile of bills paid in full and huge bank balances. It's never, 'hey honey we are making so much money right now, why don't you quit that little old job of yours and stay home to raise the kids.' In my case, it was a detailed spreadsheet proving that being a working mom of young children, was costing our family money.
My decision to be an at home mommy came one night sitting on the un carpeted steps of our home. My youngest sat in her hi -chair waiting to be freed, while my three year old twirled and twirled. Before me, I saw two precious girls who were spending their days without me. Albeit they were lovingly cared for by their aunt, a fact that still couldn't lift the guilt that filled my chest everyday as I drove off to work.
On this particular evening between sobs, tears, and tissues I announced to my husband that I would no longer be going to work. It was a statement that left no room for argument or discussion. It was a choice made from my heart.
My vision of being a SAHM was painted with walks in the park and playdoh afternoons. The reality brought walks and playtime, along with a day's worth of chores and overcompensating.
Each morning would start eaarlier than a work day required, but what got me out of bed was knowing I could nap later in the day, when the kids napped. In reality, I never took that nap. Sometimes knowing you could do something if you wanted , even if you never do it, can get you through.
The decision I made that night, changed our family dynamic forever. My children will always remember their days spent with mom and I will always remember the day I lifted the burden of guilt.
It was soon replaced by other mom guilt, but that's another blog for another day.